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I wanna punch you in the face. Not really. But kinda.

Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I have more pet peeves than a normal, healthy, well-adjusted human being should have. That's probably a "me" problem, I'll admit. But there are a LOT of things that others do that really grind my gears while I'm out on a run and, today, I'm here to tell you about them. While these are legit pet peeves, the solutions are, well, maybe not so legit, so take this advice with a grain of salt. Actually, you probably shouldn't use any of these solutions. But if you do, don't blame me.

Problem: Low-hanging tree branches

Cut your damn trees, people. No one wants to duck when they run down your sidewalk. Plus, it's poor curb appeal. Please don't piss off pedestrians or HGTV.

Solution: Break into their home and lower their doorways 24" so they can see what it feels like to have to duck all of the time. Side note, that might be the first time that "duck" wasn't the result of an autocorrect. And, because these people suck, you're legally entitled to take any Thin Mints they have sitting in their kitchen.

Problem: Blocking the intersection

Not only is this technically illegal (you're supposed to stop behind the Stop sign, right?), but you're making life super-duper annoying for those of trying to cross the street.

Solution: Well, if you're me and oncoming cross-traffic won't allow this person to advance their vehicle while you're passing by them, you run IN FRONT of their vehicle and give them a dirty look, or at least look super annoyed. Maybe you use a strategic finger to tell them how you really feel. Is this dumb? Pretty much, and this is why Ashley yells at me when I tell her stories about me actually doing these things (note to self: stop telling Ashley these stories).

Problem: People yelling things at you while running.

Personally, I've probably heard them all:

  • Run, Forrest, Run!

  • Put on a shirt!

  • You can't poop there!

The biggest douchebags will even yell really vulgar things, including homophobic slurs. Again, I've probably heard them all. Well, not the pooping one. I just added that for dramatic effect. Regardless, people think they're funny, but they're not. They're morons.

Solution: Chuck rocks at them. That'll shut them up. This method works best when you're running on gravel roads.

*Disclaimer: this is purely a satirical post. You should NOT do any of these things. While funny and maybe something we'd all LIKE to do, run nebraska does not endorse this sort of behavior.

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