Since I'm running another marathon in 5 days *checks pants*, I thought I'd share some of the most despicable marathon signs I've run across, as well as some of my favorites. So, in Kasey Kasem fashion, we're going to count them down until we get to the top hit in the land. And, since it's me writing this, this may skew a little to the inappropriate side. Shocker.
First, let's start with my least favorite signs. Take no offense if you've ever held one of these. Well, maybe just a little. And I'm not including pics for the worst, because they just don't deserve them.
5). "Run fast. I just farted." - Look, I love a good fart or poop joke/reference. And I probably love them more than the Average Joe (as a kid, I once asked my dad at what age farts stop being funny. He said he never thought they were funny. Well, dad, I'm now 38 and they still rock. How you like them apples?!). But this is just too basic for me. Now, come back with "Run fast. I just shit myself." and we can talk.
4). "If Trump can run, so can you." - I get the relevance and the play on words. But, just like Trump, this sign is dumb. And that's not even a political indictment.
3). "Worst parade ever." - Thanks for showing up, but there are probably 4 or 5 other people holding the same sign. Go home and don't come back until you come up with something better.
2). "Run like you stole something." - Unless you're a child nabbing a Tootsie Pop from the corner five and dime, you'd probably have a more well-planned escape than running from the scene of the crime. I mean, we've all thought about how we'd get away with it...right?!
1). "26.2 miles? I don't even like to drive that far!" - I can't tell you how dumb this is. This is like a dad joke only way worse and not funny. You don't even get credit for showing up.
And now for the moment you've all been waiting for, my completely arbitrarily-based top 5 marathon signs of all time:
5). "Run now. Poop later. Never trust a fart." - Poop and fart references in one sign are great. Plus, it's sound advice we should all take, whether running or just in life.
4). "Hurry up so we can drink." - Simple, yet effective. You know this person takes life day-by-day. They might not even be here for the race and might even be drunk from the night before. But you can bet your sweet ass they know where to find the best burrito in town, and that's alright by me.
3). "Go hard. That's what she said." - I just can't dislike a reference from "The Office".
2). "If marathons were easy, they'd be called your mom." - Not only is this not a terrible "mom" joke, it takes some guts to show up and hold something that is suggestive about one's sexual proclivity.
1). "Mile Eleven" - This pic is from last year's NYC Marathon. I have no idea who made this, but it's brilliant. If someone comes to a marathon to support you and they're holding this sign, you marry them, give them a kidney, perform some kind of sacrificial ritual, or name your first-born after them.
If anyone reads this and, even less likely, if anyone gives a crap, I'm running the Sundance to Spearfish Marathon on Sunday. The race starts in Sundance Wyoming and finishes in Spearfish South Dakota. Details on this race can be found at https://oysterriverrunningcompany.redpodium.com/sundance-to-spearfish-marathon. It seemed like a great idea at the time. We'll see how I feel about it on Sunday afternoon. Fortunately, I'll have most of the run nebraska crew with me.
Peace out, Girl Scouts.